Waiting

I have never been a patient person. Hospitals are teaching me a lot. My doctor came by around 6 p.m. last night to let me know my test results were in but the pathologist hadn't signed off on the report yet, so he wasn't free to tell me anything. So I am sitting here this morning waiting for rounds to start. They are usually here around 9:15 a.m. and I am hoping they will have an answer for me. I was told yesterday that the results could come back inconclusive, which would mean repeating the bone marrow biopsy again in a few days. I'm really praying for a conclusive answer today as I'm not anxious to repeat that experience anytime soon. Logic tells me Monday wasn't the last time -- I told mom (who had nine children) that I may not go through birth nine times but I just might match her with nine biopsies by the time this is all over.

All in all I had a wonderful day yesterday. Gary spent the day in my room, and we were able to have some much needed time to become mommy and baby again. I have missed my darling, and it brought so much joy to my heart to be able to spend so much time with him. I'm still neutropenic, and began the day with a mask which eventually I removed. Gary seems to be completely healthy, for which I am very grateful.

My hair is starting to fall out. Someone recently sent me an e-mail with the lyrics to a song we sang at Sovereign Grace Church in Arizona.

My Savior's sacrifice paid for all my sins
So in my suffering I look to the cross again
No need, no want, no trial nor pain
Can compare to this
The wrath of God once meant for me
Was all spent on Him

Before the cross, I humbly bow
I place my trust in the Savior
Your finished work captures my gaze
You bore the wrath, I know the grace

Before the Cross - 2003 PDI Worship (ASCAP)

With that on my mind I've been trying to focus on the Cross instead of wallowing in self-pity. And believe me, I have my moments. I've been struggling especially with my nursing staff lately. I talked to the doctor about it yesterday morning and just about threw something when once again I was assigned the troublesome nurse that night. For the third night in a row. So I fought self again last night, got in the shower, and found out my hair is definitely falling out. So I cried. Again. And felt sorry for myself, again. And then I made myself start to sing praises. I told Brandon sometimes when I start singing I don't feel like it at all. But somewhere along the way my worship becomes genuine, and God draws near, or feels near, I know He is always near regardless of my emotions. I started thinking about the Cross, and how much my Savior suffered for me. And how He has gone before me in even what I view to be my most ultimate suffering. I had pain from a bone marrow biopsy, He had nails driven into His hands and feet. I am losing my hair -- painlessly, yet His was torn from his head by those who mocked Him. How can I complain about these momentary trials, when He has suffered so for me? I fell asleep pondering these things.

I hope to write again shortly with an update. Thank you all, once again, for your notes of encouragement. You will never know how much you lift my spirit, and encourage my heart. I love you all.