Saturday

I've probably commented before about the hospital being different on weekends. Some aspects of less staff can be nice (less interruptions overall) but some can prove to be a trial. I had a rough night last night, and didn't get much sleep. I told Dr. Ogden (the floor resident) this morning that I feel like I must have been entered into some kind of sleep deprivation clinical trial without my knowledge. I went to bed at 10 p.m. -- early for me, and my blood transfusion set the alarm off on my IV machine around 11:30. Response times were slow, and by the time they showed up I had ripped the IV out of the machine and thrown the entire thing on the floor and managed to turn the machine off. They don't really like it when I do that. I have noticed it usually improves response times for the rest of the day. I have been so blessed to feel better through this round of chemo, but that has brought a new set of challenges as I have felt good enough to really want to go home. I talked to Dr. Perry this morning about my frustration with never getting more than 2-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and the pressure of being mentally alert 24 hours a day to ensure things like hand washing and proper care of my Hickman are observed by the occasional sloppy nurse. I am mentally exhausted, and emotionally worn out -- I don't feel safe taking Ativan and not being aware of my surroundings. I decided that I'd check my e-mail before morning rounds and found several encouraging e-mails that improved my mood and calmed my spirit. In the middle of the night I wonder if I will make it through all of this without going insane. Those are the dark hours, and I try to remember to praise Him even when my heart doesn't feel like it.

I was blessed this morning with a visit from two dear friends, which again proved to build me up. God knows so well what I need each day! Healthwise I am doing well, as I mentioned above and owe it all to God's mercies and your prayers. The infectious disease doctor commented today that I ran a slight fever during my transfusions yesterday (I received two units of blood and one unit of platelets). Oh, for those who have asked, my blood type is AB+. I was told yesterday that it's actually a rare blood type, so I often receive AB- or A+, or something like that. I don't pretend to understand all the complexities, but I know there is more to matching blood than just the type. The antibodies are constantly changing and my "blood band" or "sticker bracelet" as I've affectionately named it expires every 72 hours. I was able to go a week between transfusions which I think is a really good thing, and once again no allergic reactions, which is of particular importance since I'm not being pretreated with the standard dose of Benadryl.

Thank you once again for building me up daily with your prayers, comments, love gifts, and ways I may never even know. Heaven has become dearer to me through all of this, but even more so as I have the realization that I may never meet so many of you on earth but anticipate the day we are united with Christ. Please, please, if you do not have the certainty of security in Christ this day, don't let it pass by without seeking Him. That you may know Him and the power of His resurrection!

As always, I love you all.