I thought I would try to write a quick (short) update today, but knowing me it will probably get long. The weekend has been uneventful for the most part. I did receive more platelets today, and thankfully no reaction. For some reason they didn't hold this time like they usually do. My bloodwork came back looking really odd this morning, but it turned out to be an error. Something isn't right when your iron count drops almost three points overnight! I was happy to hear it's still up over 11. I've had more energy as a result, though I have been battling my attitude this weekend. I'm scared, and I'm depressed, and I know -- oh how I know -- that I need to just trust the Lord but it has been a constant battle for me the past few days. I did finally ask for meds to help me sleep last night after one of the doctors told me it was ridiculous that I wasn't sleeping at night. I've been having horrible night sweats and we weren't sure why. My husband stayed up after I fell asleep the other night and said I started having nightmares, and woke up soaked, so apparently that has been the cause. I haven't remembered anything, just wake up exhausted everyday. I slept well last night, and I've been resting a lot during the day to try to catch up from weeks without restful sleep.
My baby took his first steps on Friday and had his 8 month birthday yesterday. Our camera stopped working the other day, or else I would have some pictures to post. I was really hoping to make it home so I could see his first steps, and it hit me really hard when I missed them. Now I just want to make it home to see him run. Sometimes I think missing out on being his mom is the hardest part of all of this. Sometimes the emotions are really, really hard. I keep telling myself over and over that I'm right where God wants me right now, even if I don't know why. I found out yesterday that one of the patients on the floor who had leukemia died recently. I never met her, but she heard Gary jabbering during one of his visits here and asked one of the nurses about him and some of my family ended up taking him in to visit her. The nurse said she wanted me to know how happy she was to see him, and how much it brightened her day. It helped to know that maybe that was just one reason I'm here, that maybe God used this to cheer one person up one day who really needed it.
I know this won't be my most upbeat post, but if nothing else I want to be real through all of this. I do have bad days, I do throw things, I do sit here and wonder just exactly when my life got so messed up, and why I have to deal with things like wondering if I'll get to be here for Christmas this year or if I should start writing letters to my son so he'll have something to read when he's older and I'm gone. But I want you to know that God is good, and He is teaching me so much, and your prayers for me bless my spirit. Please, please, don't stop praying for me. When I was so sick with the first round of chemo I would look at my mom and sob and plead with her that people were really praying, that I wasn't just some name on a list that people saw in the bulletin and then forgot about. I HAD to know that people were praying, and I know that you are. You tell me everyday. I don't know how to thank you for the outpouring of prayer and love you have shown us.
Biopsy is at 1 p.m. tomorrow -- they are going to use a type of synthetic morphine to aid in pain relief.