Sunday, July 30, 2006

Sunday

I thought I would try to write a quick (short) update today, but knowing me it will probably get long. The weekend has been uneventful for the most part. I did receive more platelets today, and thankfully no reaction. For some reason they didn't hold this time like they usually do. My bloodwork came back looking really odd this morning, but it turned out to be an error. Something isn't right when your iron count drops almost three points overnight! I was happy to hear it's still up over 11. I've had more energy as a result, though I have been battling my attitude this weekend. I'm scared, and I'm depressed, and I know -- oh how I know -- that I need to just trust the Lord but it has been a constant battle for me the past few days. I did finally ask for meds to help me sleep last night after one of the doctors told me it was ridiculous that I wasn't sleeping at night. I've been having horrible night sweats and we weren't sure why. My husband stayed up after I fell asleep the other night and said I started having nightmares, and woke up soaked, so apparently that has been the cause. I haven't remembered anything, just wake up exhausted everyday. I slept well last night, and I've been resting a lot during the day to try to catch up from weeks without restful sleep.

My baby took his first steps on Friday and had his 8 month birthday yesterday. Our camera stopped working the other day, or else I would have some pictures to post. I was really hoping to make it home so I could see his first steps, and it hit me really hard when I missed them. Now I just want to make it home to see him run. Sometimes I think missing out on being his mom is the hardest part of all of this. Sometimes the emotions are really, really hard. I keep telling myself over and over that I'm right where God wants me right now, even if I don't know why. I found out yesterday that one of the patients on the floor who had leukemia died recently. I never met her, but she heard Gary jabbering during one of his visits here and asked one of the nurses about him and some of my family ended up taking him in to visit her. The nurse said she wanted me to know how happy she was to see him, and how much it brightened her day. It helped to know that maybe that was just one reason I'm here, that maybe God used this to cheer one person up one day who really needed it.

I know this won't be my most upbeat post, but if nothing else I want to be real through all of this. I do have bad days, I do throw things, I do sit here and wonder just exactly when my life got so messed up, and why I have to deal with things like wondering if I'll get to be here for Christmas this year or if I should start writing letters to my son so he'll have something to read when he's older and I'm gone. But I want you to know that God is good, and He is teaching me so much, and your prayers for me bless my spirit. Please, please, don't stop praying for me. When I was so sick with the first round of chemo I would look at my mom and sob and plead with her that people were really praying, that I wasn't just some name on a list that people saw in the bulletin and then forgot about. I HAD to know that people were praying, and I know that you are. You tell me everyday. I don't know how to thank you for the outpouring of prayer and love you have shown us.

Biopsy is at 1 p.m. tomorrow -- they are going to use a type of synthetic morphine to aid in pain relief.

35 comments:

Barb said...

Amy, I don't even know what to say. My daughter brought my precious grandson over yesterday - he took his first steps and she wanted me to see what he could do. He's 13 months old so your little guy is some kind of superbaby! Eight months!. But I know it breaks your heart. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, being separated so much from him. But do know this. We really are praying for you. All of us. You'd be amazed how many of us there are out here thinking of you.

God be with you tomorrow - I know you dread the biopsy. Hang tight. You're going to make it through this.

Texas Gal said...

Dearest Amy,
I will pray for a hedge of protection over you. That the nightmares go away and God's angels surround you and protect you from any attacks from the enemy.
The first step you see from your son, will be the one he takes to you.

Meam said...

Amy, you truly are being prayed for throughout the world. We are asking God to lighten your path on this journey. We are keeping nothing but positive thoughts for tomorrow and for the results Wednesday. Pleasant dreams tonight, dear. Love, Meam & Papa.

Amy in AZ said...

Hi Amy,

My prayers for you sort of stream along as my day does. I think of you often, and wonder how you are. So funny, as we are strangers!

I am glad to hear that you have a pain relief option for tomorrow's biopsy. I will be praying for you even harder at 11AM my time.

Always praying,
Amy in AZ

Anonymous said...

Dearest Amy:

May the peace of Christ be with you! May you be free from all suffering and anxiety. May the Lord bless you and keep you now and always. May the Holy Spirit fill you and strenghten you! In Jesus' name, we pray.

Tony and Janette Vrana, Hayden, MO

Dawn said...

I can't even fathom how hard it is to not be able to be with your little baby. And to have him walk so early in his little life. Know that people truly are praying and that this cyberspace is being used for God's glory, instead of the bad stuff that we hear of so often. The Lord bless you and keep you. Sleep well!

Diane said...

Amy, I'm still praying. Every time you come to mind, I try to take time to say a prayer for you. I may be praying for you anytime, night or day. I'm a night owl, so a lot of my prayers for you are said at night. Whatever you may miss in your life, if you stay faithful to Him, God will reward that faithfulness above and beyond what you may have missed. I have your blog linked on my sidebar on my blog, and several of my blogging friends are already praying for you. Barb is a good Christian friend of mine, for one. Never fear that you are not being constantly lifted up before God's throne. As soon as I post this, I will pray for you, and many more times throughout my day and into the night. I pray God's Grace be sufficient for you this day, and for peaceful, healing rest tonight. Also that God will be with you through the biopsy Monday and as you await the results.

God bless you and yours, Amy.

Holly said...

Amy,

Words are inadequate. But know that you are in my thoughts and prayers throughout each day. I know your faithfulness will be rewarded with greatness!

The things you miss now will pale compared to what you'll partake in the future. Your little one will have a lifetime of firsts and your main job is to do what you can to ensure you will witness as many as possible. Our God is an Awesome God and I know He wants only the best for you.

Keep leaning into Him and He will give you the strength and comfort you can't find yourself. And may you find peace and rest in His gentle arms tonight.

God Bless you

Anonymous said...

Hi Amy,

I am praying for you and I know lots of other people are. Thanks so much for being real in what you write. You will never know how much you are affecting the people who are priveleged to read your blog. I will be praying for you tomorrow at 1:00 your time and will eagerly await the results with you.

Earline Howson

Andrea said...

Amy,
I think of you often - which is strange as we have never met - but I pray every time. Always remember that God is holding you in the palm of His hand. He is always with you.
Extra prayers tomorrow for your biopsy. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Hey Amy, Sunday night, July 30
I am praying for you tonight and will see you first thing in the morning, Lord willing. Little Gary is doing great. The Lord has blessed you and Brandon with the most precious little boy. He loves you so much. I can see the excitement in his face when we walk through the parking garage at the hospital. He seems to know that we are on our way to visit you. More than anything, I want you to be here taking care of him. But I also thank you for the privilege as his grandma to fill this spot for this time. Sleep well, Sweetie. I love you so much. Mom

Anonymous said...

Amy, Your name is on our refrigerator as a reminder to pray for you. Even though I don't know you I think about you and pray for you all the time. I check your blog for updates and pray for your family to lean on the Lord through all of this as well.

8 months, wow. Gary is doing so great. I know it must be hard not to be there with him, but I agree with you that you are right where God wants you to be. It is hard when we don't have all the answers, but He is always in control. He is always good. We will praise Him in our storms and love Him even more in the end.

I will be praying for you tomorrow, along with so many other people. Thanks for all the updates. You never know who reads this blog that doesn't comment and how you are impacted people that may not know Him, or though of us that do. You have been a blessing to me, seeing your strength and trust in the Lord.

Wendy

Carrie said...

Amy,
Thank you for being transparent. It helps us pray for you more intelligently. Keep saying the right things to yourself. When our son was in the ICU I clung to this verse in Job:

He performs what is appointed for me.

Love and prayers,
Carrie

Niki Calzone said...

Amy,

I'm glad you're sharing the harder moments with us, as well as the better times. That encourages me to be more real, also.

I wanted to share one of my all time favorite passages, John 11. Lazarus had just died, and Jesus came to see Mary and Martha four days later. Martha went out to meet Jesus before he even got there, and said "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." I don't know if it was with an accusatory tone of voice, but she was definately wondering what was going on. Jesus didn't condemn her. Mary ran to meet him and said the same thing.

Jesus reaction wasn't to rebuke them for their questions, but instead, He wept.

The heart of God is of very great compassion, although we often forget it. He has all your tears in His bottle.

Love,

Niki

gracie said...

Thank you for being real. It means so much to hear your honest journey. Prayers for you from a stranger far away...

gracie

Life full of blessings said...

HI Sweet Amy,
I just came across this blog and want you to know that I will be praying for you. I love your faith in God and your honesty about how are are really doing. You are a shining LIGHT about God's goodness in your life, despite where He has you right now. You are a sweet mommy and your son KNOWS this of his best lady in the world....your hubby is blessed to have you, so upbeat and trusting in our GREAT GOD. I will continue to pray and spread the word of you and your testimony. I am not far from you at all....we have spent many days in Columbia with our son, our third child. We KNOW the power of prayer and how prayers of people uplift and carry you during a hard time....trust God.
In HIS Goodness,
Liz

Kevin P. Larson said...

Amy,

We prayed for you in our service today. We will continue to do so. We think and pray for you often. I know that my Amy and Hadley are praying for you multiple times during the day.

I appreciate your authenticity in your posts. I also admire your great faith.

I think we're all reading your posts thinking: would I be trusting God like this if it were me? You are challenging us greatly.

We love you guys. We will pray tomorrow and beyond.

Eric M Schumacher said...

Amy,

Thank you for your honesty. That is biblical (Psalm 88).

You blog has had a great impact on me as a father. Thank you.

Please know that I do pray for all three of you and will continue. You are not a name on a bulletin board.

May you dwell secure in the eternal, unchanging God...
Psalm 102

Amanda said...

My three year old knows your name now. He knows he is supposed to pray for you. He sees your name posted on the fridge, our shower door and my bathroom mirror and he says, "Those are letters Mommy. That's Amy and she's in the hospital. We have to pray for her." I told him ONE time and he remembered. Your name is not just a name on a bulletin board, you are in my heart and I pray for you daily.

Kili @ Live Each Moment said...

Amy,
You don't know me. I am praying for you. I don't know what to say in response to this post except I wish I could make it better. In my own way I can understand where you are coming from and it breaks my heart. My mother has leukemia, and my grandfather did as well. So I understand the disease. Also, I have a son...11 months old. Who just started crawling. When I read your post about missing out on that...it hurt my heart, and made me cry. I am so sorry. You are stronger than I could be. I don't think I could be as strong as you are.
Your sister in Christ,
Kristina

Anonymous said...

Amy,
I will be praying for you constantly today! I love you!

Emily

shannon @ rocks in my dryer said...

Yes, yes...praying. Your name is taped to my computer monitor, and I pray for you every time I see it, which is often.

Rachel Davis said...

Amy, don't ever doubt that you are being frequently and fervently prayed for. All of us--whether life long friends or those who are strangers on this earth, but famil in Christ--love you very much and continuously entreat God on your behalf.

But we do not love you near as much as our Lord. His capacity for true love outstrips all of our hearts combined. And it is in His hand that you lie.

As the others, I thank you for your honesty. We would not be true friends if hearing about your hard days did not make us love you more.

I've called a few people and given them the time for your biopsy...praying that it goes well and results in glorious news of a quick return to your family.

Christine Bolton said...

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will upwhold you with my righteous right hand."
I am praying for you!
Christine

Anonymous said...

Amy,

I sit here with tears in my eyes after reading this entry. It was very touching and real.

I think of you often and pray for you, but will especially be doing so today. I hope this biopsy is easier on you than the last ones.

Hang in there.

Love,
Anne Calzone

Anonymous said...

Amy, you aren't just a name on our list but a dear friend who makes us laugh and cry and turn our hearts to the Lord our Healer. I'll be praying for you today, esp. during biopsy time.

And congrats on Gary's first steps!
He must be a go-getter! My kids didn't walk until 15 months, lol!!! =)

~Rachel E

Paulette said...

Sweet Amy,
You have a right to have every emotion that you are having. It is better to be real then keeping it bottled up. I know God is right beside you.
You hang in there, and I promise you we have your back, oh yes we do. We are praying specifically for healing and God is a God of miracles.

Imajackson said...

Amy, I am a practical gal and I think you should go ahead and write the letters for your son. You have the precious gift of time right now that you might have when he is older and you are running to and from soccer practice ad naseum! No matter what happens, can you imagine what the letters will mean to him? It will be a priceless glimpse into your hopes and dreams for him as his mother. Write those letters and it might be a great source of hope for you during the difficult hours while in the hospital.

If I any money, I would buy you a new digital camera and send it to you.

Lastly, your honesty is like a piercing sword that cuts away life's chaff in me. Thank you for writing exactly what you feel and think. It is only used for good, sister!

Anonymous said...

Dearest Amy,
I am praying for you right now since it is the time for your bone marrow biopsy. I am glad to hear that you are being real in your emotions and feelings. God understands the need to vent sometimes and I know that mostly you are praising Him and drawing closer to Him each day.

I believe that not only will you be here for Christmas, but you will also be there for Gary's high school and college graduations and his wedding one day. I am trusting the Lord to heal you completely. May He bless you abundantly beyond all that you can see and know. He loves you, and so do I.

Love,
Jackie Dennison

Rachel Davis said...

You're having your biopsy right now and God's throne is certainly being flooded by your many friends. May His grace and peace be yours in abundance.

mighty minne said...

Hi Amy, I came across you blog through Gwen (Texas Mom). I haven't been blogging much due to me going back to school.. but I do however plently of time to pray for you and your family. I hope things went well today and thank you for sharing your journey with us... Always remember that God loves you so much... and you are not alone.

Veronica (aka mighty minnie)

Lauren said...

Amy, you're probably recovering from your biopsy right now, and I just want you to know that I'm praying for you.
God Bless.

Caroline said...

Amy~
Dear, sweet child of God. You are not just a name to us. You are a sister. A sister in need and we are fervently praying for you. How my heart aches for you and the trial that you are enduring but oh how the Lord must love you for putting you through this. He understands your weakness and He is here to make you strong.
~Caroline

Susanne said...

Amy,

We are praying for you and will continue on praying for you!

Grafted Branch said...

I'm posting this here AFTER the great news of your remission...

8 months? First steps!? That baby cheated! He's too early. You are in t-r-o-u-b-l-e my sweet young mother! lol.