Friday, November 02, 2007

An update of sorts...

Two months have now passed since Amy passed away, and almost one year since her transplant. I can't say that as time's passed things have gotten any easier. I miss her more and more each day. In fact, some of these last couple of weeks have been amongst the hardest as things are finally settling down and the reality of her passing is settling in. I lost my best friend, my beloved, and nothing can, nor do I want anything to, replace, her. Gary continually asks about her or to see her, and still expects certain tasks and roles to filled by her and sometimes seems confused or upset when its not Amy. He loves looking at her pictures and had me play a full years worth of home videos of her for him the other day. I enjoy working on her book, reading her writings almost makes it seem as though she is still right here -- I can hear her voice as I read her words. Speaking of the book, I'm making decent progress. I've finished about 8 chapters (of a tentative 30 or so), and have a couple of strong leads on a publisher. That being said, this is still a lengthy process and I expect it to take close to a year yet before it is finished.

To answer the recent question, I'm sure we would have done it all over again much the same. There may have been a few differences here and there, but overall, I'm sure we would have proceeded just the same. Every moment we got to spend together was special. We had some of our best conversations in those last few days and had some great memories in those last few weeks that I wouldn't trade for anything. Amy knew more than anyone the pain and suffering she was enduring, and also more than anyone, she knew what kind of hell a second transplant would be. Yet, she longed for and looked forward to it as she knew it provided hope. Hope that she might be cured, but also hope that she may be able to survive just long enough that another treatment that might cure her would come available. Hope that she might be more than just someone in the photos for Gary to look at, but someone who actually filled his memories.

And, like Betony asked a few weeks ago, I figured a couple of pictures of Amy before her diagnosis and treatment would be a good idea, as well as a picture of the mirror I had made from our bathroom mirror where she wrote a message to me before she went into the hospital the last time, so enjoy!